Connecting With Friends After Self-Isolation

Name a harder Sisyphean task.

I go through periods of self-isolation. Since I was a child, I was implicitly taught that I didn’t have to perform in front of anyone and no one was going to bully me if I could just find a quiet place by myself. It was where I found peace during a chaotic upbringing. Now, I’m 27, and I’m acutely aware that the constant need to isolate myself is a trauma response, and while it may feel good in the moment, it is hurting me in the long run.

I think the part I hate most about reconnecting with friends after an isolation period is, in my mind, they’re wondering why I’m reaching out. I never reach out. And including someone in this change is mortifying for me. I’m used to making changes that only I know about: waking up earlier, eating healthier, exercising more. By reaching out and making them aware that I’m acting out of character is letting them know “I need support.” That kind of vulnerability coming out of me scares me. It convinces me that I’m better off not reaching out and keeps me in my safe, but sad, emotionally unavailable bubble. But that bubble is only comfortable for so long. Now I’m sad that I’ve spent the last month in the house by myself.

At the time of writing, I’m in the process of hyping myself up to FaceTime a friend. We oscillate between periods of speaking often and not speaking. I see it as a natural ebb and flow of an adult friendship. The crazy part is that I went to a concert with this friend two weeks ago, so the idea that I’m weird for bothering her or that she doesn't want to hear from me is just not true. My challenge (that will probably follow me for the rest of my life) is a combination of making new friends and keeping up with old ones, so I feel like I have a strong support system. I just don’t reach out as often as I should in order for that message to really stick.

Shortly after creating the draft for this essay, I called the friend I went to the concert with. She was actually happy I had reached out. We had an hour long conversation about relationships, self-worth and our childhood city’s disappointing infrastructure. After the call ended, I felt a rush of relief wash over me. I had psyched myself out for absolutely nothing. My friend was grateful to hear from me and wanted to talk again soon. 

I guarantee your loved ones want to hear from you. The only thing standing in your way is your own internal beliefs about yourself. Please reach out to your friends.