I'm not who I thought I was
On, finally, becoming
There are a lot of sentiments online about how difficult a person’s early twenties are, and I’m not here to dispute that. In my early twenties, I was in a situationship with the most emotionally unavailable man I’ve ever met and I had no idea what I was going to do with my Biology degree I was in the process of earning. This time would continue to be a tumultuous period for me, but not once during this time did I stop and think that it was this difficult because I didn’t have an accurate view of myself. I was insecure, easily swayed and just did not want negative attention. I majored in Biology because I wanted a prestigious career that made me a lot of money, I wanted to be married to a man by 25 and start having children quickly after that, I wanted to have a lot of friends, I wanted to be on the right side of history. I wanted to be right. Do right. In my mind, this was the only way to be. I was doing everything right and the universe would reward me for being on the correct path.
A former friend and I prided ourselves on being “good” people. That was the shaky foundation on which our relationship was built. We disliked all the problematic people, we sent each other the latest news surrounding the latest cancelling of celebrities or political figures and simultaneously trashed them for being “bad” people. But it slowly left a place of holding each other accountable to be the best person we could be to a competition of who could be the better person. I would learn soon after our relationship ended that being “good” was all she cared about, meanwhile I thought was just trying to keep up with her. The fact that we spent all of our time on X, formerly Twitter, didn’t help either. Twitter is a haven for some of the most mean-spirited people I’ve ever come across. It’s okay if someone is patronizing towards you on Twitter. It’s to turn you into a “good” person, ultimately.
When my friend and I split up and I stopped using Twitter as often, I realized I had no idea what I stood for, outside of being on the right side of history. Of course, I wasn’t going to go from being open to openly bigoted. Those human rights truths still rang true. On a more personal level, I realized I had never gotten to know myself. I just did what I had to do to not to be ostracized. But what that got me was a life full of confusing choices that, once I sat back and really examined, were not aligned with who I was. For example, I did not want to be a doctor or a dentist. What I really wanted was recognition, praise a job people would coo over. I didn’t just want to be married, I wanted to be a bride. A pretty girl with a gorgeous dress and attention from everyone she’s ever known for the months leading up to the biggest party I’d ever throw, a wedding. I still want a lot of friends, but was I willing to wrestle with the reality that to be a good friend to all of those people, you need to put in time and energy? Two items I never seem to have enough of these days. At my core, I love talking and meeting new people, but when I feel like I’m running on empty, my interactions can feel like they don’t benefit neither me or a friend.
Here are more truths I’m living by that have made me who I am today in a bulleted list. Ready, set, go!:
For the first time in a long time, I’m thinking for myself. Gone are the days of referring to subreddits or sending frantic texts to friends for them to tell me what I should do. I’m trusting my own judgment and being okay with a decision turning out to be the wrong one. I self-soothe with the knowledge that it’s everyone’s first time living and sometimes the choices I make will be incorrect. So what? We’ll course-correct and apologize to affected parties, if applicable.
I now welcome nuance into all my decisions. I think over a decade of Twitter discourse can make you forget how many shades of gray there are. For example, I do not mind coffee dates. I think they’re a quick and easy to get to know if someone is compatible with you, and if they turn out to not be what you want, it’s easy to leave. Last year, if you had asked me if I like coffee dates, I would have told you no because coffee dates “are a cheap man’s way of trying to spend time with you without spending a lot of money.” Was that something I truly believed? Who knows? But it was the “good” side to be on, so I adopted it as my own.
There’s no one to impress in interpersonal relationships.
It is an exhausting endeavor to be the smartest person in all subjects. Someone will know more than me in one aspect or another, and I will know more than them in one aspect or another. Learning from others should be fun.
If someone makes a decision, I’m allowed to make one too. I wasn’t sure how to word this more specifically, so I’ll give another example. If someone decides to send me a horrifying Twitter thread on the dangers of LASIK months after I’ve already gotten the surgery, I am allowed to make the decision to distance myself (true story). This sounds like common sense, but for a huge chunk of my life, I did not know that I could move away from people that made me uncomfortable. I did not know that was an option.
Moving more authentically has allowed others to approach me authentically as well. The sense of superiority I carried with me had an intimidating air that made me seem unrelatable and more like a constant teacher rather than a friend. I’m very grateful to the people that have stuck by my side while I pretending I was the most flawless person on Earth in order to keep anyone from critiquing me and making me feel less than. The grace they have showed me is something I feel like I am not worthy of, but I will do my best to accept it and give grace to others as well.
As someone who’s adult life truly has only just begun, I am certain there is much more to learn about myself and, for once, I’m excited to know and be known to others. It’s no life at all to hide behind what a “good” and “right” person wants. What do you want? Truly?