Part-time Lover, Significant Other

God forbid I participate in a situationship at 28 years old.

I am less than two months away from 29, and I believe I have found a lover. As of today, we are not together and there is no guarantee that we will ever be. But this is what I want right now. I told my friend over Instagram Direct Messages that I wanted to make out in car and send sexy selfies and maybe flirt boldly across the room.

The last time I was in a relationship, I had known the guy for two weeks. The first time I went over to his house, he kissed me non-consensually and then left me alone in his apartment to get pick up some food (great guy outside of that!). Also I remember him buying me flowers and a stuffed bear after only seeing each other in person, maybe four times. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, we had this long conversation about I thought we were moving too fast and he disagreed. I wish I would have stood up for myself more in that moment, but I wanted the title of “girlfriend” more than I wanted to stand by my convictions.

Now six years later, my relationship with myself is very different. More mature and (I feel like) more self-assured. I have to stop myself from gripping too tightly, wondering what he’s doing when we don’t speak, and enjoy my freedom. I’ve always hated people telling me what to do, so I don’t know why that didn’t translate when it came to romantic relationships.

I’m on this ride as long as he’s treating me well. No more Disney-esque devotions of “we belong together for all time” (as romantic as that sounds). It’s not what I want, and I’ve found people to switch up quickly, especially when the novelty wears off. I may be guilty of being one of those people as well. Yikes.

I’m excited to see how this goes and what I will learn about myself in the process. This excitement also has to do with the fact that he is consistent with his words and actions. My anxiety doesn’t spike as often (I’m still human) if he takes a while to respond because I know he’ll get back to me eventually. If he was already on bullshit at the beginning, I wouldn’t be writing this post. As my upper arm tattoo reads, “Baby girl, it’s just me and you.” I’m using library books, Chainsaw Man, 1980s movies, and the flower garden I plan on starting in the upcoming days to distract myself from scrolling on my phone all day so I can respond to his texts quickly when he does respond. To me, that reeks of a situationship, and that is not what this is. The bottom line is I feel safe enough in myself and in him to reach in and touch my base desires and go after what feels right for right now.